Gospel Laughs N’ Worship

On 28th October, Cachar Group and Pastor Marvelous host Gospel Laughs N’ Worship at NPC Valley Road from 2PM. Comedians include Erick Omondi, Dr. Ofweneke, MC. Jesse, Joey (U.S.A.), Dr. Shogo (Nigeria), and The Napsta (South Africa).

 Tickets go for Kshs 500 at the gate and Kshs 299 (advance) at Naivas Supermarket.

 Like the facebook page and follow the event on facebook and twitter.

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An Open Letter to Telkom Kenya Chief Executive

Dear Ghossein

First of all, I would like to thank you for the wonderful work you are doing at Telkom Kenya. I can now call other networks (with my Safaricom line) at a shilling less than someone with an Orange line can. I would also like to thank you for leading a group of people who were responsible for one of my worst Saturdays of this year. I will not forget to thank your staff for teaching me how not to treat a customer if I want him to come back again. I have written this letter to your info mail and reported the same to your twitter account. I am sure you will probably never see it but I wrote this for that little probability that you might stumble upon it. I had to write it here so that, that one person who will read this will not be treated as I was by your staff!

It all started early last week when I wanted a modem. After asking around (me and technology are not tight, I had to seek expert advice), I was informed that safaricom modem is the best but it is way too costly. Orange is the second best and cheap. I decided to buy the orange modem. Sir, you should understand that I practice brand loyalty. I always buy a certain soap, a certain newspaper etc and not any other. When it comes to whether to use Safcom, orange or Zain, my loyalty is with Safaricom, despite everything they have made us go through. However, I decided to give orange the one chance to change my loyalty from Safaricom.

On Wednesday, I tried in vain to get an open Orange shop so that I could purchase a modem. All shops were closed as it was a holiday. I could not fault your staff as they had to celebrate Mashujaa Day but more so because Safaricom shops were also closed. The following day, I called your customer care and I was assured that your shops close at 6pm. Since I could not make it to any of your shops by 6pm, I made a note to myself that through thick and thin, I will have to get the modem on Saturday. It happened that I had some function to attend on Saturday and so I had to excuse myself and leave early, all in the name of giving your organisation some business, albeit little.

The first shop I visited was your Ex-telkom House shop. To my horror, they had no modems. Not even one! The attendants were unresponsive and they seemed not interested in addressing the questions I had. As patience and me are sworn enemies, I decided to call your customer care guys who had all along been helpful. I was advised to visit your GPO center where I would be assisted. On inquiring if by the time I got there the center would still be open, I was assured that your shops close at 6pm. It was a few minutes past 4pm. Had I any idea of the ordeal that awaited me at Teleposta towers, I would have gone back home (and even save myself from the rain and traffic on that Saturday.)

The shop at Teleposta towers (second floor) had been closed several light years before I got there before 4.30pm. I asked the guards at the reception on ground floor and they told me the shop closes at 5pm. It was not yet 5pm! It is then that I called your customer care guys and the one I talked to was pretty sure that the shop is supposed to close at 6pm. I talked to the guard at the door and he was dead sure that the shop closes at 5pm. I pointed to a city clock that it was not yet 5pm. I did not know who to believe, your customer care guys or the Radar guards (even though both of them were giving me inaccurate information). I called your customer care guys again and the one I talked to inquired for what seemed like eternity and a half before telling me that he has confirmed that the Teleposta shop closes at 5pm and there were people ready to serve me. She even went on to tell me that I should register the modem line etc.

The guard at the door, who had heard the conversation seemed unhappy that I had to confirm with someone else. I went in and told the receptionist guards that I had been told the shop was still open. It is then that all hell broke loose. The guard at the door came in and started calling me all sorts of names (most of which I cannot print) because I could not trust them. “Wachana na aka kajinga hakataki kutuamini, kanafikiri tulianza kufanya kazi hapa jana!” is probably the only thing that I can print. (You can use google translate to find out what that means). Since arguing with a fool only results in the smart guy being beaten by the fool’s experience, I decided not to argue with the guard and proceeded to the lifts. “Wacha kaende kapate kumefungwa,” one of the guard who was at the reception told her colleagues.

Unfortunately, the shop was closed, as I had found it earlier and unlike one of your customer care guys had said. On reaching the reception, the two female guards (who had transformed your reception into a salon) and the door guard proceeded with a laborious laughter before joining forces in calling me all sorts of names. I immediately called your customer care guys and talked to one Nancy. If you actually record those conversations for training purposes, I recommend you check the 3 minute 54 second call from me to your customer care attendant called Nancy at 4.38 pm on 23rd October 2010.

Sir, I know the above story probably bored you to death, but there are a few things that you should understand. First, how many people will go to all the trouble I went through in trying to give you business? Second, I am one of those people who have a slightly bigger than small ego. Being called names by a guard whose salary at retirement will be less than what I was given as my starting salary when I was employed is the most bitter pill I have had to swallow this year. The embarrassment was more than I could bear and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. If I had been called names by you, I would have understood because you are the CEO of a company, but guards of a little known security company called Radar Security wearing ugly uniforms? That was inhuman. (no offense to other guards). Thirdly, had your customer care attendants told me all shops are closed, it would have saved me a lot of trouble. How come they do not know the time your shops close? What else do they not know? Do they even know that your official colour is Orange? Do they know that your firm made a super huge loss in 2009 and they should do all they can to ensure that they get as many customers as possible?

Finally, Mickael (coincidentally you are namesakes with Safcom’s outgoing CEO. I hope you are a genius like most Michaels), I will buy a Safaricom modem on Saturday. I know I will not encounter the problems I did in trying to purchase yours. Is there anything you can do to make me feel better? No, but me not seeing anyone with an ugly Radar uniform within one kilometer from your premises will be a start. I am fair, and so I will give you a right of reply. Hit me on the.alt.focus@gmail.com. I will post your reply here, but then again, you will probably never read this.

A distraught would be customer,

 

PS: I stumbled upon this: This orange internet ad is hate speech to wakale – TheKimutai

 

Find More writings by greatrnk here

Phone Etiquette

Nowadays, it is not the eighth wonder of the World to see a six year old with a mobile phone. When I was six, probably only six people in the country had satellite mobile phones. A friend of mine (Hey, I am human, I have friends, albeit few though) was once asked what I would not leave the house without and he correctly guessed “my phone!” I think it is more of, the phone will not dare be left behind or probably the phone cannot leave me behind etc. The problem is that most of us are given phones without manuals, and on the few instances that manuals have been given, most men have behaved like men by ignoring the manuals. And I am not talking about the manuals from the manufacturers. There are a few DO’s and DONT’s when it comes to using mobile phones so as to make the person on the other end not drop his/her phone in awe at how the writers of the dictionary failed to include your name when defining the word “IDIOT!” I will take a look at some of these as a reminder since I know these are things that have been discussed time and time again.

Flashing/Beeping: This is self explanatory, is it not? For the sake of the few idiots, you are only permitted to use this service when you have been told rapture is five minutes away, you have to tell all your friends to repent and your friend list consists of people whom God would rather take Idi Amin or Adolf Hitler to heaven rather than them. If you are not in such a situation, DO NOT flash!!!

Replying a text a million light years after it has been sent: You are given 24 hours to reply a text. If you do not use that grace period, you are better off not replying at all! Enough said!

Please Cannibal Me: This service is the second worst invention in the history of mankind. I still do not understand how some people can use the same service ten times in twenty-four hours when the daily allocation is just five, oh, I forget. They use our allocations! Please, do not send me a Please Call Me text unless ……….scratch that, DO NOT SEND ME A PLEASE CALL ME TEXT, EVER!!!

Missed Calls: There is probably a good reason why I am not picking up your call at the moment, among them being I do not want to or you do not have a sexy voice etc. Calling a million times will not change the situation. It is not ok if I get two missed calls from the same number, but I could leave with that trauma! Anything more than that is stooping too low and should be punishable by law! On the same, it is your duty to call back after seeing my missed call (notice that it is singular, meaning that it will only be one missed call, and it will not be as a result of me beeping). If you do not return that call and (due to my ego, I do not call again and) hence I spend the night in jail, then you are entitled to one more phone call from me in which I will use all the curse vocabularies that have been invented and some that I will invent at that moment before hanging up!

Ring Back Service:  Please warn me in advance that if I call you, I will subject my ears to an annoying noise that you will have paid for so that I never ever call you! The only thing that made me not to smash my phone against the hardest surface I could find the first time I called someone with that Skiza tone service was the notification my brain sent my hand telling it how much my phone had set me back! I am still undergoing therapy as a result of the shock!

Shortening of Words:  I have said this before and idiots still do not listen! If you were born in pre multi party era in Kenya, you are banned from shortening everything you write. What the hell is wrong in writing words in full? If anyone would know how getting a text full of words that I have to use the rocket-science part of my brain to decipher irks me, they would not send that text in the first place.  You can use short form if you were born after Matiba lost his head or in moderation. If you have to write a text in short form, use the accepted short forms. I am is shortened as I’m and not Am! Cnt can be interpreted as anything ranging from Cannot to something associated with the human body (I mean Carbon Nanotube and not what you were thinking, but it serves to strengthen my point!)

TLS: Shouting on the phone does not make you use less money but more importantly, we are not interested in knowing you finally got that tender that is supposed to change your life, that I can finance with the tax part of my income! We do not Take a Lot of $#!+ so Talking Loudly Syndrome will make you Tell the Lord the Story of how you died prematurely!

Calling at Odd Hours: You can call me at 2 am if it is a rave night or if we live in different time zones. If you must call someone at 3 am, call your boy/girl friend, NOT ME!

Call the people who call you: If I call you three consecutive times, common sense dictates that you are the one to make the next call. When I was still not so wise, I used to call everyone, then I realised that only “some” people make it a point to call me later on. As a rule, I call only the people on my “received and missed calls.” The rest can be called by the people they call and the idiots who do not know this rule.

Service Providers: So there is a new toy that comes with a phone that sounds so cheap that if I bought it and took it to my six year old nephew, he will throw it at me and hate me for the rest of his life. You have taken that toy and you want to target and trick unsuspecting uncles so that they can buy it for their nephews. Kindly do not send me that text telling me to buy a Kshs. 888.89 toy called Kabambe. Infact, Safaricom, I do not want any texts from you unless they are from your more beautiful cousin M-Pesa confirming that I need to rid my account of money so as to allow incoming money to be credited!

I can only hope that the MPigs can come up with legislation to help catch and punish anyone who comes close to breaking these rules even before they break them!

Find More Writings by The Greatrnk here