This excerpt is borrowed from the blogger’s pseudo-journal. It was originally written in May 2010 on the back pages of the said, fake journal. Why the blogger decided it’s time to air out her ******* in the www remains a question never to be answered (so is the fact that the blogger is referring to herself in third person…hmmm).

Caution: You will notice that there is no particular flow of thought in this piece. Also, the over-usage of certain words. The reason is revealed somewhere in the middle of this rather unnecessarily long blog. Please do not think any more (as opposed to less) of the blogger as such is kind of person that she is.

Date: May 7 2010

Time: 1.56am (GMT +3)

So, I can’t sleep. I just stupidly wrote an inbox to *Stantlaus. I hope he still has his sense of humour and won’t read too much into it (please! please God!!!). I have currently woken up (got out of my bed), taped papers on top of my door frame so that no one can be disturbed by light from the room. And if someone gets curious and actually comes down, they will stumble on to the chair at the door giving me ample time to duck into bed and pretend I fell asleep……with the light on. Current track playing on my phone is Broken by Lifehouse. You gotta love rock. It’s so on point.

The last time I actually wrote was I think back in high school. When I was cooler and actually had a head on top of my neck. I feel empty these days. I have no more care for the world. Most of the time I’m like a zombie. I am purely existing. I’m not living. I guess when you keep all your issues bottled up, if it doesn’t explode one day, then they start eating you from the inside. I think that’s what is happening to me now. I haven’t had my moment of bursting out with pent up emotions since the last time I stole my mum’s phone in 2003 and I managed to link all that to my fear of failing exams; amidst crying and torrendous flow of mucus. haha

ok, he's a bit over the top

If I don’t go to sleep tonight, I’m gonna research on the effects of Panadol Extra and Mara Moja cuz I am the Queen of  Sleep. It has never evaded me!! Ama it’s tryna be a Makmende? Ngoja. Itajua nani ni Makmende.

you really don't want to mess with this guy

I actually went out of my way one day and bought a journal. It majorly was cuz halfway through my Mizizi class I realized people really did take the whole “write in your journal” directive in the Mizizi book quite seriously. So I went and bought myself a really fancy and expensive journal. It was all for bragging rights so that it looks like that I too, was with it. If you could see the journal now, I have started writing from the back; song lyrics, places I’d like to visit; things to do (when i can still remember where i wrote them). Just basically non-feelings stuff. I’m not really good at documenting my feelings of a class. I really do not give it much thought. Throughout the class, I’m probably daydreaming and wishing the class would end. So asking me to write about what I felt about the class, I’d probably have more to say about the people in the class and my opinion about them. Not what the class was all about. This also happened when I did my I Choose Life thing. The only time I wrote in that journal was when they said they’d collect them the following day and it had to have something. I quickly picked random dates and wrote 2 lines on each page, jumping like 3 pages to look like I really did write them in different days….with different colors of biros!!

It’s now 2.18am, 22 minutes late. No sleep, no phonecall from one Stantlaus who I was hoping for some reason, he’d see my message on FB and actually pick up the phone and call me. OMG! Girls can be soo ahead of themselves. To begin with, Stantlaus is not an FB addict. He checks it once every millenium and even if he sees the message now, why would he call? I’m not his chic nor his love/lust interest. In fact according to him, I’m the most don’t care person in the whole planet. The other night I told him I do have a heart and emotions and he scoffed. Yes! Apparently Africans do scoff (I used to think it’s a white man’s thing. We miros just click (nkt) and move on). But I have a problem. There was this book I read once (fiction) and the heroine of the book is quoted saying “I’m so desperate for intimacy, I could date a tree”. You know, if I don’t watch out, I will be seen somewhere at Uhuru park, with two cups of coffee. One in my hand and the other, I would periodically pour on the roots of the tree. Yes. We willbe on a coffee date and I will be having a conversation with it. I think I should go to the Arboretum…you know, expand my options….(Please note that I am not desperate for intimacy. I love quote though)

But seriosly, I haven’t been in a serious relationship in almost 3 years now. In the begining I was still healing from my last relationship(I broke up with him but i’m still scarred by it. Long story for another day) and I’ve been using that excuse for soo long it’s now 3 years. But i think i’ve just become lazy. Loving someone can be effortless, but the committment to the love, well, that’s the mother. I’m not ready for all that hullaballoo…read, I’M VERY LAZY. So, these days if a man captures my eye, I’m busy imagining if he’d make a good husband. If you don’t look like husband material, you’re out. And these assessments usually last for as long as 10 seconds. Yup. That fast. It’s a bad thing, I know. I should probably give the guy a chance to properly introduce himself, get to know his name at least then dismiss him.

You have to understand where I’m coming from. Everyone my age is busy poppin babies and getting married. I am under A LOT of pressure here! There’s is no time for long term relationships. You’ve got only 10 seconds to make it happen and boom! onto the next one. Too many clocks be ticking. Eggs will be drying up soon, time waits for no man/woman and quite frankly, I am not going to allow myself to be a spinster while everyone else around me is married. Then I’m left there to compete with beautiful youngins in campus who are all that and a bag of chips. I happen to be well aware of the fact that the beautiful ones have already been born and they are waaaay younger than me and so the competition is so on!!!. Hold up! Need an FB break. Will be right back.

Ok, NO MESSAGE! That boy is clearly very much asleep. So back to my story. If I could just meet someone right now who is perfect for me, and I for him, I’d be a content girl.

 

he...would be fine

But apparently you don’t meet such men on the rave. My gal told me that our age, we have already met our husbands. When I look back and think of all the menn I have met in my life, I’m a bit worried for myself. She should have told me this when I was 12. I would have travelled all over the world, busy meeting men, just to ensure that I have literally covered all corners of the earth and kept my options wide open…and vast

I’ll stop here. Lemmie listen to some more rock. Maybe sleep will give up on being so macho and come home. Plus I’m soo hungry. Well I do hope I can pick this up someday. I really enjoyed this though

Time: 2.49am

i probably looked like this in the morning but i didn't check to confirm

*not his real name for, well….obvious reasons. We can however question my choice of name

Other posts by the  author can be found at http://pre7amer.wordpress.com where she pretends to blog.