Phone Etiquette

Nowadays, it is not the eighth wonder of the World to see a six year old with a mobile phone. When I was six, probably only six people in the country had satellite mobile phones. A friend of mine (Hey, I am human, I have friends, albeit few though) was once asked what I would not leave the house without and he correctly guessed “my phone!” I think it is more of, the phone will not dare be left behind or probably the phone cannot leave me behind etc. The problem is that most of us are given phones without manuals, and on the few instances that manuals have been given, most men have behaved like men by ignoring the manuals. And I am not talking about the manuals from the manufacturers. There are a few DO’s and DONT’s when it comes to using mobile phones so as to make the person on the other end not drop his/her phone in awe at how the writers of the dictionary failed to include your name when defining the word “IDIOT!” I will take a look at some of these as a reminder since I know these are things that have been discussed time and time again.

Flashing/Beeping: This is self explanatory, is it not? For the sake of the few idiots, you are only permitted to use this service when you have been told rapture is five minutes away, you have to tell all your friends to repent and your friend list consists of people whom God would rather take Idi Amin or Adolf Hitler to heaven rather than them. If you are not in such a situation, DO NOT flash!!!

Replying a text a million light years after it has been sent: You are given 24 hours to reply a text. If you do not use that grace period, you are better off not replying at all! Enough said!

Please Cannibal Me: This service is the second worst invention in the history of mankind. I still do not understand how some people can use the same service ten times in twenty-four hours when the daily allocation is just five, oh, I forget. They use our allocations! Please, do not send me a Please Call Me text unless ……….scratch that, DO NOT SEND ME A PLEASE CALL ME TEXT, EVER!!!

Missed Calls: There is probably a good reason why I am not picking up your call at the moment, among them being I do not want to or you do not have a sexy voice etc. Calling a million times will not change the situation. It is not ok if I get two missed calls from the same number, but I could leave with that trauma! Anything more than that is stooping too low and should be punishable by law! On the same, it is your duty to call back after seeing my missed call (notice that it is singular, meaning that it will only be one missed call, and it will not be as a result of me beeping). If you do not return that call and (due to my ego, I do not call again and) hence I spend the night in jail, then you are entitled to one more phone call from me in which I will use all the curse vocabularies that have been invented and some that I will invent at that moment before hanging up!

Ring Back Service:  Please warn me in advance that if I call you, I will subject my ears to an annoying noise that you will have paid for so that I never ever call you! The only thing that made me not to smash my phone against the hardest surface I could find the first time I called someone with that Skiza tone service was the notification my brain sent my hand telling it how much my phone had set me back! I am still undergoing therapy as a result of the shock!

Shortening of Words:  I have said this before and idiots still do not listen! If you were born in pre multi party era in Kenya, you are banned from shortening everything you write. What the hell is wrong in writing words in full? If anyone would know how getting a text full of words that I have to use the rocket-science part of my brain to decipher irks me, they would not send that text in the first place.  You can use short form if you were born after Matiba lost his head or in moderation. If you have to write a text in short form, use the accepted short forms. I am is shortened as I’m and not Am! Cnt can be interpreted as anything ranging from Cannot to something associated with the human body (I mean Carbon Nanotube and not what you were thinking, but it serves to strengthen my point!)

TLS: Shouting on the phone does not make you use less money but more importantly, we are not interested in knowing you finally got that tender that is supposed to change your life, that I can finance with the tax part of my income! We do not Take a Lot of $#!+ so Talking Loudly Syndrome will make you Tell the Lord the Story of how you died prematurely!

Calling at Odd Hours: You can call me at 2 am if it is a rave night or if we live in different time zones. If you must call someone at 3 am, call your boy/girl friend, NOT ME!

Call the people who call you: If I call you three consecutive times, common sense dictates that you are the one to make the next call. When I was still not so wise, I used to call everyone, then I realised that only “some” people make it a point to call me later on. As a rule, I call only the people on my “received and missed calls.” The rest can be called by the people they call and the idiots who do not know this rule.

Service Providers: So there is a new toy that comes with a phone that sounds so cheap that if I bought it and took it to my six year old nephew, he will throw it at me and hate me for the rest of his life. You have taken that toy and you want to target and trick unsuspecting uncles so that they can buy it for their nephews. Kindly do not send me that text telling me to buy a Kshs. 888.89 toy called Kabambe. Infact, Safaricom, I do not want any texts from you unless they are from your more beautiful cousin M-Pesa confirming that I need to rid my account of money so as to allow incoming money to be credited!

I can only hope that the MPigs can come up with legislation to help catch and punish anyone who comes close to breaking these rules even before they break them!

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