Friend Zone – A Guys Guide To

What is a “Friend zone” (n)? This is the phrase (I have no idea who should get credit for coining it) that describes the point of the relationship between a male and a female that offers no progression beyond what is – ‘just friends!’ 

And so by extension and association, to “Friend zone” (v) is the act of putting one into this ‘box’ of ‘just friends!’ 

Friend zoning can be very frustrating and deflating, especially if the party being friend zoned was hopeful of ‘something more’. To the party ‘friend zoning’, I assume it easier to take in. I, however, doubt it’s just that easy.

This guide is from the male’s perspective so it may not be applicable for the females and is by no means definitive. All of the points mentioned here are all from experience – not just mine, but of many guys. You could view it as a preemptive approach to being ‘friend zoned’. Like they say, There are many ways to kill a rat – I subscribe to the method of making sure the rat is not born! 

So here goes – Friend zone – A Guy’s Guide To 

Be nice, be very nice

I could end this guide with just this one rule as all the others actually branch from this but I suppose I need to expound on it. 

You’ve heard it all before that ladies like nice guys, that’s always on their checklist. Truth is, they don’t like nice guys as partners … as husbands and best friends … Yes, just not boyfriends – this is a preserve of the ‘bad boy’. How they expect the bad boys to somehow end up being ‘nice guys’ once they are married is a mystery. Remember the line, “I can change him”? Well, we all know how that turns out.

 I have a theory on this, I think they prefer “bad boys” because ‘consistent disappointment is easier to handle than the occasional ones’ that nice guys come with, no matter how minute they maybe. Nice guys present them with a high standard that once they subscribe to, even a little tardiness will come off as a colossal disappointment. Nice guys are, more often than not, reliable and hence the slightest whiff of “disappointment” is cataclysmic by comparison. So you get them loving the ‘bad boys’ through the hurts and love they do. “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige ft Drake shows just how much they hold on, despite their knowing how wrong it is.

Being “Nice, very nice” will inevitably put you in the friend zone – guess who they’ll run to when they are in the hurting phase of her relationship? Preemptive strike One!

 Make the lady’s folks (brothers, sisters even parents) like you

As you can tell, this is only possible if you are “Nice, very nice” and genuinely so. By genuine I mean actually having genuine concern about her well-being. Being in good terms with her folks all but guarantees that she’ll friend zone you. Going against the folks is a mark of independence so as much as she may like you, the fact that her folks like you, kind of forces her not to consider you. Preemptive strike Two!

Her boyfriend should be your friend too … so much he considers you “safe” to hang out with her. This is a hard one and is advisable that you don’t go making it happen. If it happens, flow with it. If not, leave it at that. Point is you being a comfortable enough friend to her that she can mention you to him and he doesn’t get worried. This is not only a preemptive strike but safety net for you – you don’t want to be stabbed.

 Always be there for her, check up on her dating… how she’s doing, they are doing… be a good listener. – “Always” is a big word but it only means whenever you can, you be there for her when she calls on you. Especially in her low moments. Hang out, movies, coffee and stuff doesn’t hurt. This is just being “Nice, very nice” in detail. She can’t consider, at least not usually, you as more than ‘just a friend’ when you do all this. Preemptive strike Four!

WARNING:

 1. As much as she wouldn’t go out with you, she won’t take you going out with another quite well. She may become hostile to your girlfriend but maybe she’ll like her. No way of predicting this – just prep for both the best and worst.

 2. Never ever say you like them IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. If she were a status update, don’t like it! Say you “don’t dislike” … something just not that you like her. That will take you from ‘friend zone’ to outcast … enemy territory even!

 NOTE:

 The more perceptive of you will have picked up that this is another way of outlining what NOT to do if you do NOT want to be ‘Friend zoned’. So, take it how you see fit for you. This is not an exhaustive list, just what the ‘experiences’ common to me.

 An excerpt from an upcoming book, “A Guy’s Guide To Life” by EveryGuy for Everyguy … available soon … in your mind! ha!

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RIP Fellow Kenyans: Y is Still Part of the Alphabet

By The Constant Little Jimmy

 

This time I just can’t follow,

The rules of poetry; I once learned in linguistic classes.

I have never worn glasses,

Yet today I feel I am in some.

When I try to take the sum,

Of all the lives we lost.

Y is a part of the alphabets,

But normally pronounced as;

Why?

Sometimes we say it,

though we aren’t counting the alphabets.

But then God is there.

 

Our tears,

Our fears,

All our years,

He knows them all.

Even our peers,

Children and women;

Who we all lost,

To the hungry flames.

To the pipeline frames.

We blame Lunga Lunga,

Even the name scares me.

It sound foreign, some funny goddess.

Y is a letter in the alphabet,

Pronounced as Why?

Yet we say it when we are not counting.

But again God was there.

 

Every time I read the sacred book,

I get energy to dance in the rain,

To sing in the storm.

To jump over deep waters,

To dive; risk drowning.

Remembering your promises to Noah,

The father of nations.

But the thought of fire,

It makes me shiver.

Remembering the promises,

During the end.

That fire will come,

And burn the sinners.

Father, I know not only Kenyans are sinners.

The Ngalu Ngalu tragedy,

Were our sins due for punishment?

This is why Y will remain,

A letter in the alphabet,

Yet we are not counting them,

But again God loves Kenya!

 

Yes!

I just said that.

And if you didn’t get it,

God loves Kenya.

Look,

How long is the pipe that busted?

What length busted?

How many people resides in Ngalu ngalu?

(Am scared of saying L***A L***A)

How many died?

How many people are admitted in KNH?

How many have been discharged?

Y is a letter in the alphabet.

And for this reason I won’t use it here.

Since I am not counting.

 

May God,

The comforter,

Creator of heaven and earth,

The author and the finisher,

Of human life,

Comfort us this very moment.

Nourish our souls.

Strengthen our hearts.

Rest their souls,

In eternal peace.

And since we meet them again father,

Help us understand,

That Y is the third last letter on the alphabet.

And we shall never use it,

Except when we are counting.

 

RIP Brothers and Sisters.

Choose a Side – Duplicity Isn’t an Option

By Justalffie

Over the past couple of weeks or months, morality as a code to live by has been brought to the fore by certain occurrences, acts and events in the country and their subsequent backlash.

We had the Gardens, the tapes, the swaggerific (the name itself should tell of its vanity!) and also the recent outcry of the deplorable radio show. [The listing is not in any order]. There were scattered outbursts pertaining to the earlier 3 (& probably others I’ve not mentioned) but as pertaining the radio show this article certainly provoked a lot of outrage that was obviously just bubbling under and, triggered by the article, found an avenue to break free!

I wouldn’t use the same language used in the article but I share the disgust of the show’s content & more so that every public vehicle seem to be glued to it every morning almost religiously!!

So what many were saying essentially is…..

 It’s clear that some degree of morality or at least the appearance of holding morality in high regard is still alive in a time when none of it seems to be of value or talked of as valuable! This gives a glimmer of hope for the future, at least for me!

But that is not the point of this article!

This article is really pointing at the blatant duplicity in the argument for morality (or lack of it!) When I talk of ‘morality’ I’m addressing those that subscribe to a moral code/law which to the greater extent happens to be those who have strands of faith in a moral law giver i.e. Christians, Muslims, other theists and even the atheists with a weak faith in their beliefs. An atheist should in no way be bothered by any of these issues as to them ‘anything goes’ so long as it’s good for you! A case of “it depends” or subjective versus objective issue, right? So I doubt this concerns them.

So here’s the point (FINALLY!!)

 

How can you very eloquently voice your disgust of/for the degrading of morals by the radio show then turn and support a blog that talks of prostitution like it is some glorious achievement or calling?

Really??!!

What exactly are you saying because it seems what you are disgusted by is the “how” rather than the “what”!!

Like Oscar Wilde once said:

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

If your problem is the fact that such erosion of value is on radio as opposed to being blogged about, then please STOP! The line of morality is no respecter of art or literature form – it cuts across all that! You either denounce all or none at all! The how, I believe, is not where the “Oscar Wilde line” is to be drawn nor is it where he thought we would interpret his words to mean!

But this is an ethical issue? You can’t bring the issue of morality in this! Really?

Well, I’ll let this answer that:

The difference between an ethics and morality is that the Ethical man knows it’s wrong to cheat on his wife while the Moral man actually wouldn’t (cheat on his wife!)

So which side are you on? Ethics devoid of morality or ethics evidenced by morality?

C. S. Lewis once put it in great wording when he said (wrote actually in his book “The Abolition of man”)

We make men without chests and expect from them virtue & enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst!

Here Mr. Lewis had just made a case that it’s unhealthy to be a man “with a head and a stomach but without a chest” simply put, you can’t be just working with logic (head) and what I’d loosely interpret as ‘greed’ or ‘what’s in it for me’ approach to life (stomach) and without a heart (chest) which if I can employ the Hebrew understanding of ‘heart’ would include emotions & morals! We need more “men with chests” if this is to change!

Judging by the growing popularity of the blog, I have two conclusions: either the ‘author’ is a great writer or people are just interested in some guilty pleasure without dirtying their hands! If it’s the former, then she can definitely write on other issues and leave the ‘life choice’ right? If it’s the latter, then we need NOT be surprised if all hell breaks loose on radio, TV, music shows and events now, do we?

Juliani, who in some sense like other musicians is a philosopher on the account that art (music being very much part of it) is considered the 2nd level of philosophy, a couple of years ago (close to 5years ago) said this;

Bedroom inaletwa sitting room, vipindi kwa TV… not a joke!”

Safe to say that we are way past just being on TV… We didn’t heed his call then and are clearly not now which means it’s going to get worse, especially with the double standard approach we have to such issues.

Stand for something or fall for anything” someone said that but I say, “Stand for something, the right thing, or fall. (Period)

P. S. (or Disclaimer) This is no way attacking anyone but merely making a point on the basis of principles and thought and maybe to some extent of worldview.

Why a Kenyan Revolution Will Never Happen

By cdohnio

I needed to out this up quick which is why I’m doing this on a day I already have on post up but I feel the longer I wait the less relevant what I have to say becomes. Also I’m not a political scientist or any sort of expert on revolutions and such matters, these are just my thoughts.

Recently, ever since the Tunisia and then Egypt protests and revolts there’s been a lot of chatter on my time-line(Twitter) about whether such a thing can be repeated in Kenya. Today there was even talk of one on 28th February. I don’t know where this one came from but there were a lot of tweets tagged with it in the morning.
I kind of found this laughable because I knew it could never happen, not yet anyway. Why? Well that’s why I’m writing this to explain why I know it could never happen.
We don’t have the balls.  We’re way too comfortable to have a citizen-led revolution. We’re too scared to do what it takes. The post-election violence that happened in 2008 has put in us a health fear of such “revolution”. Even today, when the #feb28 tweets were flying around tweets going around begging for calm, that there were more peaceful means to change the piteous state our country’s in. Someone mentioned the new constitutional implementation as a way to change things.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very pro-peace but what I need my fellow Kenyan’s to realise is that for change to come, a revolution to take place you have to be ready to make sacrifices, I’m not talking about money but lives. Yes, I’m saying that for change to happen in a revolutionary manner we must be ready to die. Until that day we’re ready to lay down our lives  to see change we’ll have to be content with the manner that reforms are being implemented in our country, snail’s-pace and probably a couple of generations out.

I’m not saying that the revolution must necessarily be violent but I am saying that we must be ready to die for it. I say this because the system we’d want to change, the corruption and impunity will not want to change. The people who back it will not want to change, they will fight back and do so violently. We all saw it during the post-election violence. They have the power and means to hire and entice people to kill and intimidate anyone who tries to change the system that has  given them vast amounts of wealth and power. Case and point the Ocampo six.

These guys have managed simultaneously make their prosecution and tribal and political debate and coerce the government to somehow consider their defence one of national pride and honour, hence pay for it, simply because they’re part of the government. I mean are you fucking serious? Crime cannot be protected simply because it’s committed by the government or members of it.

Also for this country to undergo a revolution the middle class needs to take part in it. We won’t. We’re too selfish. We all only ever think about ourselves and/or our families. Think about it. Sure we’ll complain about the corruption, the sorry state of our judicial systems and poor infrastructure but when it comes down to it we all manage to living with them, quite comfortably I can add. We’re not ready to lose that comfort. I think this still goes back to what I said before.
I’ll leave you all with this short story from the post-election violence period:

Kibaki had just been declared president and sworn-in in increase darkness. We saw on TV that Kibera was rioting. Looking out the window you could just make out the smoke in the distance( we stay liked 20 mins walk from Kibera in those days).
Later that night there was talk that Raila had called a rally at Uhuru park, that he was going to swear himself in. My aunt and mum made plans to go. They weren’t going to stand for their election being stolen.
Morning came. They woke up psyched, charged. They dress in jeans, t-shirts and running shoes. There was talk of “If there’s no transport, we’ll walk. Even if the police come there we’re prepared to stand our ground.
They left the house and out of our court. I immediately put on the TV to find out what the situation around Uhuru Park was. A ring of police and GSU all round the place, armed to the teeth.
3minutes later the door opens and there are my aunt and mum. Apparently the GSU(General Service Unit, special police unit used in special situation mostly riot control) men had chosen outside of gate to deploy to stop protesters who were trying to make it to Uhuru park on foot and they had been told to return to house immediately. I laughed my head off!

I fear this is what will happen if we ever tried for a revolution, we turn back scared at the very first opposition we meet. I’d like to point out that both relations in Egypt and Tunisia started with death. Also in Egypt, when they had gathered together in Tahrir square they stayed there besides the police harassing and wounding and killing them and today apparently there been pro Mubarak supporters causing havoc and death. That’s all I have to say. As always peace!!!!

PS: I read an interesting post on revolution on Diasporadical today by misternv. I suggest you go check it out. Again peace!!

The Oterosexual Manual


Growing up, several things were ends that were given; A boy grows up to be a man. “Boys will be boys” meant just that! Now you can’t even say that without giving exceptions!!

Somehow somewhere, things changed and now a boy can grow up to be one of several options: the Trans i.e. a woman, the un-straight, the bi, the Metro-sexual movement (check this post by Chiira ) a trend that, in Kenya at least, seemed to blow up in 2010, and there is, of course, the traditional man (which is the focus of this post).

I’m not sure where all this is headed but clearly one has to belong in one or the other, scary as it may sound.

A good friend of mine, Michelle , coined the term Oterosexual to describe the man who is & works hard not to be remotely confused for the other categories. It was, thus only logical to use this name to refer to the “Traditional man” for this article.

Walking along the streets, I can’t help wonder what some really intend to imply by their demeanor. Grown men make me turn, not out of admiration but amazement & wonder and sometimes just fright & horror!!

Below is basic manual for the Oterosexual man.

  • No skinny jeans. I don’t quote him much or ever but Jay-Z once said; (Paraphrase) “if you wear the same pant size as your wife then who’s really wearing the pants in your house!” Unless you are putting on biking, swimming pants, or you are Michael J. Jackson (which you obviously are not!) tight-fitting pants don’t really make Otero-sense! Fit into your clothes don’t let your clothes fit into you.
  • The hairdo… Mohawk is a no go zone! Sure you look hip, Goth and the in-thing but you also look like a cuckoo bird! And this fake dreads made of knitting thread (not sure) just looks bad across the board! A fade, Afro, corn-rows (sometimes) or even well maintained dreadlocks will do just fine. Leave the hair-glo to Drogba!
  • A man purse! Seriously?! This won’t even be discussed!
  • Little, very little to no pink! Keep your being colorful to a minimum; it’s the ladies, who are referred to as ‘flowers’ because they attract with their beauty! Basic test; if a lady tells you, “You look cute”, change how you dress! If she doesn’t particularly like it …., good! Keep it up. Think about it, a lady likes something that they relate to i.e. dressed like them!!
  • I understand many guys iron their socks, t-shirts and even jeans. I personally don’t. I believe casual means no strings attached, in this case, no crease un-creased. A little history on the origin of jeans: When the American workers were getting uncomfortable with leather pants (especially the cowboys as the story goes), a dry goods merchant by the name Levi Strauss & his tailor friend, who became his business partner, came up with what we now know as jeans that was from then on embraced as working wear. I doubt ironing was part of the whole idea! That’s just me!
  • Another “just me” issue is the shoes. The colors of shoes do not go outside the basic shoe colour scheme of Black, White and brown! All these greens, yellows, purples as shoe colors coupled with matching t-shirts, skinny jeans, maybe add the Mohawk & glasses – that a lot similar to the 3D glasses – just make guys look like some marvel comic super hero!
  • Manicure, pedicure, facials, mascara, nail polish are not to for you! Full stop. Massage is acceptable, depending on whom the masseuse is. Makeup gets a nod only when it’s a job thing, going on TV or the like otherwise NO! Why make yourself pretty? Be rugged & by this I don’t mean dirty & not presentable; I mean manly.
  • An artist (musical artist), actors, footballer (in the pitch) or a clown; these are the groups that are allowed to dress in anything no matter how impractical it looks.
  • All those fashionista shows, the likes of America’s Next top model, Project Runway etc that recommend hideous clothing as fashion are not for you. You DO NOT follow fashion, to borrow from the greatest of them all – Makmende – Fashion follows you! You have style that is unfazed by time or passing fads and crazes!
  • Have at least one sport you ‘religiously’ follow. Know the stats (basic or otherwise), buy a team jersey, flag or even key holder or something i.e. be loyal to a team; sometimes even irrationally support that team. Be willing to die for the team. NOTE: Be willing to but DO NOT die for the team. If it gets to that point of dying for a team, it’s ok to run – like a scared little girl if you have to!!
  • You don’t get hooked on senseless Reality TV shows! TV series like soaps, Glee, Gossip Girls and the like should not even matter to you.
  • Have at least one lady TV host/personality with whom, to you, any show is 5 star rated! For many it was Esther Arunga before she was ‘fingered’ out of the equation! Currently, for me, it’s Teroo & Isha Sesay. Enough said.
  • Never concede that another guy looks handsome… wait! How do you even get to gauge that another guy is handsome?! On second thought, don’t answer! I don’t want to know!!
  • That “Get in touch with your feminine side” Oprah & Tyra stuff, forget it! You have no feminine side! The only feminine side you may have is your wife or spouse or sister or mother!
  • Justin Bieber, & boy bands are taboo – ok, some like Boys 2 men & greats like the Commodores, Earth, Wind & Fire (if you can call them boy bands) get a free pass. No explanations and/or reasons needed here!

To be continued… on the comments posts!

 

 

Matatu Etiquete by Alffie

Most Kenyans have or have had many encounters with this iconic Kenyan means of transport. But like many things, they are prone to abuse & disturbing trends. The matatu operators-some not all-are incorrigible so I won’t talk of them. My focus is the passengers. This is addressed to most of us I suppose.. If you see yourself here…let me put it this way; someone is watching & not liking the view.

Do not play music on your phone (China or otherwise) on loudspeaker! We board matatus with no music for just that reason: no music = quiet! It’s not rocket science. Take the hint!

Receiving phone calls is inevitable but you can control what conversations to have where. CCK categorizes phone calls as private conversation, so please don’t torture others with your endless & LOUD calls! No one wants to know how many chicken you have at home or that you take hot showers in the evenings!!

A prelude to an annoying call is, more often than not, a just as annoying ring-tone! Worse still you let it ring for so long like you want everyone to hear it! The vibrate feature on your phone is a feature to be used.. it wasn’t just a marketing pitch!! On the off-chance that your phone doesn’t vibrate or may have valid reasons not to use it, please don’t let it ring more than 3 times or beyond the count of 10! As a side note: An “I’m a Barbie girl” ring-tone?! You are a grown man, what do you want us to think? That you are a … or a … A ring-tone says a lot about u! So choose your ring tone wisely!

Someone else’s phone is their own property and by extension, their own business so DO NOT SNOOP to find out what they are browsing or texting or posting or tweeting! I never say this but GET A LIFE!!

Worse than playing loud music from your phone is singing! Why would we want you to sing? Unless you are Mary J Blige, Cece Winans, Chrisette Michelle, Lauryn Hill, Dela, Atemi, Nanjira or the like.. PLEASE DO NOT SING…ANYTHING in a matatu!! We don’t want to hear you KILL music. Men…don’t even think about trying to sing!

When you sneeze in a matatu, please cover your mouth and open the window. After H1N1 and the likes of TB, we’d like to still be healthy when we get home. Always carry a handkerchief – a dozen costs only 200!!

You know those seat belts you see inside? They are not for aesthetic value. They are actually for your safety so use them! (Plus it’s the law to use them!) Don’t go shouting at the driver every time he hits a bump and you don’t have your seatbelt on!! *This depends on how well fitted they are so choose your matatus wisely too!

The matatu driver is doing his job.. he didn’t come to your office to tell you how to do your job so stop giving him directions as to the best & presumably shorter short cuts you think he should use!!

Do not disturb..*now in caps* DO NOT DISTURB a passenger with earphones (or headphones) with your uncanny ability to talk about the mundane details of politics, weather & of course..the road construction. They are listening to music or maybe even audio books so that they don’t chit-chat with you or people like you! So please, get your own music box or just fall back!!

You don’t have to see everything along the road you are using so stop craning your head every time the matatu stops like you want to save the day. Newsflash! That pilsner Ad on TV is just an Ad! You can’t help clear a jam like that! Plus, you use that route almost daily, what new thing can crop up along the road in 8-10hrs (time within which you are at work)..in Kenya?!!

Ask the fare cost before you board. Causing drama and throwing tantrums when the *kange gets to you when everyone else has paid the default amount doesn’t make you Rosa Parks-you are not fighting anyone’s right other than your own right…to look stupid!

The *kange is not in the least bit psychic or telepathic to know where you are to alight so inform him when you are about to reach your destination instead of sitting back and going into fits of vain rage when you are clearly to blame when the matatu doesn’t stop at your stop. Your outbursts just make you look psychotic & telepathic*

Removing your shoes, picking your nose, teeth plus all the other “Ushenzi” behavior should be a common sense thing not to be done in a matatu (among many other places).

If you like to sleep in a matatu and you can’t keep from leaning on your neighbour & even drool, get yourself a neck-brace! That should keep your head upright! Or just don’t sleep!!

Your cologne or perfume should be just enough! The point is to make sure your natural odor (read ‘sweat’) is kept at bay not to suffocate people so that they don’t get to smell your odor! Subtlety is the key in choosing the cologne/perfume for you. The other extreme is just as bad if not worse!

Learn to keep your cool, understand what a quarrel between a passenger & kange is about before you publicly display your ignorance because contrary to popular belief the customer can be wrong & often times is irrational!

So you know you are supposed to pay fare so why do you wait to be asked & give the kange a puzzled look like he’s bothering u? You didn’t think it was free did you?!!

So you board a matatu with a friend or 2.. your escapades are your own so keep your chatting A.L.A.P – As Low As Possible! Other passengers are not really interested to know!

*kange – Derived from ‘Makanga’ a variation of ‘Manamba’ which is equal to ‘conductor’ or ‘tout’ which points to the person in the matatu responsible for collecting fare from passengers, signaling the driver to stop the bus for passengers to alight & sometimes act as a co-driver.

Disclaimer: These are just what I’ve seen & experienced. I’m sure there are many many more.

 

Find More Writings by Alffie here

Day dreaming

I think you are sweeping me off my feet. Stop at that! Coz am too heavy to lift. You call me sweetness. I don’t know why. I call you weakness. Because I’m getting addicted – high. Am blushing. cheeks flushing. Am smiling, even at nothing……and am wishing more and more in your arms to be nestling. I’m not sure i like this feeling. Usually for addictions, there is no healing. Damn! i hate to write about you. I swear this is the last line, the last time.Because the more i do, my head wanders into the clouds – further.

© Ado Yiembo

Copy and pass “Day dreaming” around to your heart’s content,
but always post my Copyright notice above, correctly, both as  courtesy and as a legal necessity to protect any writer. Thank you.

 

Find More Writings by Dyiembo here