The Unspoken Rules Of The ‘Kalocal’

Lately I have become a local fanatic and am starting to think I have outgrown the idea of organized rave…. if there is anything like it. I totally love the idea that everyone knows each other at the kalocal and those that don’t can get introduced because they came with someone that knows the other person…… and the way the men show their love by the ever so fascinating shoulder bump. (The idea never seems to rub off on the ladies)

An old friend of mine once showed up at my local in the company of one of the usual ladies. We exchanged niceties and to save him the hustle of introducing the lady, I volunteered that I had met her before. She retorted in near disbelief vehemently denying that she had ever seen me and demanding to know how I knew her. At this juncture I almost mentioned that I had seen her on numerous occasions exchanging hands among the men owing to her seductive dance moves. Instead I chose to withdraw my previous comment and apologized saying I must have confused her for someone else. There really is no moral to that story but I realize that when you sit at the counter you observe a lot of things. My observations have led me to add five more rules to my unpublished rule book.

1. There is nothing wrong with the guy in bathroom sandals.

Indeed the word local is pretty relative. Picture this…The guy in sandals had probably decided that he won’t be going out and was indoors watching movies with his girlfriend until around 10pm when he runs out of smoke and needs to rush to the shop to restock. Unfortunately it is closed and he has to go to the shopping center. We all know that the music is usually hypnotizing and he decides to pass by and check if any of the boys is around. There are plenty of them and he is convinced to stay for a pint. Of course it does not end with a pint and so that is how he ends up in shorts and sandals in the pub with no track of time. Such species have become pretty common…. they haven’t made their way to Westy yet though. Makes me think dressing up for the rave is completely over rated.

2. Do not pick fights if you are not in your neighborhood.

The word local (once again) is pretty relative. If everyone would make rule number two their thumb rule then the era of bar brawls would be shadowed into oblivion. Some weirdo once made a derogative move towards me at my local and I wasn’t too happy so I told him off. I guess he was one of those people that make it a point to pass on their discontent after two beers because he did it again. I was boiling with rage but before I could act on my anger the guy had been thrown out and banned…..need I say more? Usually you cannot tell whether the person you are picking on buys the each of the bouncers a GK in turns and has therefore earned their unconditional favor. Tihihihihihi

3. Let the guests do the entertaining.

There is really no point of drawing attention to yourself if you frequent the local. If the barman and three other people know you then please keep off the microphone on karaoke night ~~unless of course you can sing better then the karaoke host~~ and the dance floor if you have taken more than five beers. They see enough of you when you are heading to the shops in sandals and that old coca cola t shirt so do not draw more attention to yourself….. and trust me no matter how suited up you are on Monday morning the guy that is staring at you awkwardly at the bus stop is doing so because he can still picture your sweaty self dancing to ‘’get down’’, toppling over and showing the crack of your butt to everyone who cares to look.

4. No intimacy.

Ladies please refer to the unspoken rule ‘’ Men are all the same” You both visit the local so chances are he might want to slap some arse. Keep them gawking…….it guarantees that your head will stay on top of your neck. The conversation at the local is as local as the customers. It will dwell on the new flat that is coming up, the hot lady that just moved in next door, the new barmaid, so and so’s new car and other local news. Trust me the fact that so and so chips fungad so and so may inevitably come up and am not sure anyone likes to be associated with such a topic ~~except for the ever so malicious men that see it as an achievement~~. The moment you give it away you will no longer have a face at the local and this takes away the privilege of having a good time without worrying about where to get a cab home or drinking and driving.

P.S. Relationships are out of questions.

5. No hard feeling…..company is company.

Refer to rule no 4. If one time you have the privilege of sharing a table ~~and I don’t do tables~~ with the cute guy that sits next to the DJ do not lose your cool. He will, like any other man be trying to flirt with you (refer to the unspoken thumb rule)You will soon see him in the company of some beautiful young thing clinking glasses and staring into each other’s eyes. The green eyed monster will begin to show up and the only way to banish it will be to remind yourself that it was just company. So smile, wave and mind your business.

The list is still open so i may be adding more rules as i visit more locals…..that is why you should subscribe…………… Trust me you need my advice.

Copy and pass “The unspoken rules of the ‘kalocal’ ” around to your heart’s content, but always post my Copyright notice above, correctly, both as courtesy and as a legal necessity to protect any writer. Thank you.

Find More Writings by Dyiembo here