Nice Guys verses Bad Guys

Nice guys finish last because they put their ladies first. – Anonymous

She was dating a pilot, a very wealthy one at that. She knew he loved her and would do anything for her. He was the perfect boyfriend. He would not even entertain the thought of cheating on her. She knew she was lucky to have him. He did not drink. She knew her competitor was Arsenal, a team he was passionate about about. She could live with that. He was a nice guy.

On few occassions, he would invite me to accompany her girl and him to a rave. I was a friend and colleague to the girl. He was a gentleman, the kind of guy another guy would think girls would date but we all know how nice guys fair on in the dating fraternity. We became good friends, not good enough to be boys but good enough for us to hug the way bros are supposed to hug. Not the way Kemboi hugged that French dude though. That is how the girl you have missed hugs you.

She lived in Ummo. One time, he had gone to visit her and someone unsuccesfully tried to steal his range rover’s side mirror. I do not know how much that thing costs but it must cost the same as a vitz and a year’s supply of fuel. He decided that his girlfriend would not live in an unsafe neighbourhood. Within a month, she had moved to Nairobi West in a fully furnished house. Her birthday was a few weeks away, and she got a car as a present. She was living a better life than her boss. And then she got pregnant!

They say that everyone is an aethiest until she misses her periods. As a guy, I have never understood Aunt Flo. Most girls hate when she visits and if she delays for a week, they get all worried. As someone else said, you know you have grown up when someone tells you she is pregnant and your first response is “Congratulations” rather than “isht, what happened?” After telling her congratulations, I had to use a seat to digest what she told me next.

As I was still picking my jaw from the floor, her boyfriend calls me. She whispers he doesn’t know yet. He wants to meet me urgently. That evening, we meet for drinks. Tusker for me, Fanta Orange for him. He tells me that he has reason to believe the love of his life is cheating on him. When he suspected, he asked guards to tell him of people who frequent her place. I was one of them. There was someone else who had spent the night in the house he is paying rent one too many times. He had pictures. I knew him.

The first thing I do when I get home is to call her. “What did you mean you are not sure who the father is?” was my hello. She owns up to cheating on her boyfriend with another colleague of ours. The guy I saw on the photos. I am too angry to talk to her. Her boyfriend was too good a person to be treated that way. I hoped the kid was his.

She tells both of them separately that they are to be dads in about 38 weeks to gauge their reaction. She starts with the pilot who is very excited. He thinks she should move in with him in Karen because his child should have a father figure around. The side dish suggests abortion. And that is when all hell breaks loose. The girl goes ahead and tells him he was the side dish and that the real father of the baby is a rich pilot and other unmentionable insults.

I will never understand women. I do not know what the side dish did, which witch doctors he went to and what they gave him to give to her but he must tell me one day. Within two weeks, the girl had warmed to the side dish that ladies in the office who knew part of the story loathed her. The pilot on the other hand had known the side dish was a colleague of ours, and that sort of put me between a rock and a hard place because I had denied knowing him when he showed me his picture. That as it may, he had bigger problems to deal with. His girlfriend had not picked his calls for three days – as soon as she found out he knew actually – and I was “on leave.” The thing with one lie is that you have to come up with another to cover up for it.

I decided to sit her down and ask about her game plan. Somehow, she had decided to stay with the side dish whom she was not even sure if he loved her. She was not sure she loved him too. He was a bad guy, the pilot was a nice guy. And again, bad had truimphed over nice in this unfair world. At that point, my fist made contact with the wall at a speed that would rival that of light. Something had to be hit and I was not going to hit her. I felt sorry for the guy. Just then, the side dish interrupted our meeting. We did not like each other and I never cared. Now, I hated him even more.

Tell him I will pay back everything he has done for you!” was his salutation. I felt that was the joke of the year. His salary was less than the rent the pilot was paying for her every month. The bigger joke was the girl falling for that nonesence. In no time, the pilot was calling. “Tell him we shall pay him everything!” she said, handing over the phone to the side dish as I slapped myself to see if I would wake up. As I left the room, I could hear the insults the side dish was throwing mainly because he had decided to proove he is a man by raising his voice. What surprised me was that she did not stop him. And knowing the pilot, I am sure he just sat thare and listened. A few minutes later, the side dish left in a hurry with the keys of the car the pilot had bought her. Apparently, to return it.

Where is the happy ending part, you may ask? As long as it is a nice guy verses a bad guy, there is none and there will be none. Bad guys win again as nice guys help Jepkosgei in finishing last.

THE DAY’S QUOTES:

1950: I want to show you a night out under the stars by the lake. Wouldn’t that be fine? 2012: Here’s a picture of my shaved cock. – Anonymous

That is the last [curse word] time I take dating advice from a muscle that pumps blood throughout my body. – Anonymous

I’d suck as a Christian because there’s no way I’m not ending every prayer with “…and please kill the [curse word] out of shitty people.” – Anonymous

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Friend Zone – A Guys Guide To

What is a “Friend zone” (n)? This is the phrase (I have no idea who should get credit for coining it) that describes the point of the relationship between a male and a female that offers no progression beyond what is – ‘just friends!’ 

And so by extension and association, to “Friend zone” (v) is the act of putting one into this ‘box’ of ‘just friends!’ 

Friend zoning can be very frustrating and deflating, especially if the party being friend zoned was hopeful of ‘something more’. To the party ‘friend zoning’, I assume it easier to take in. I, however, doubt it’s just that easy.

This guide is from the male’s perspective so it may not be applicable for the females and is by no means definitive. All of the points mentioned here are all from experience – not just mine, but of many guys. You could view it as a preemptive approach to being ‘friend zoned’. Like they say, There are many ways to kill a rat – I subscribe to the method of making sure the rat is not born! 

So here goes – Friend zone – A Guy’s Guide To 

Be nice, be very nice

I could end this guide with just this one rule as all the others actually branch from this but I suppose I need to expound on it. 

You’ve heard it all before that ladies like nice guys, that’s always on their checklist. Truth is, they don’t like nice guys as partners … as husbands and best friends … Yes, just not boyfriends – this is a preserve of the ‘bad boy’. How they expect the bad boys to somehow end up being ‘nice guys’ once they are married is a mystery. Remember the line, “I can change him”? Well, we all know how that turns out.

 I have a theory on this, I think they prefer “bad boys” because ‘consistent disappointment is easier to handle than the occasional ones’ that nice guys come with, no matter how minute they maybe. Nice guys present them with a high standard that once they subscribe to, even a little tardiness will come off as a colossal disappointment. Nice guys are, more often than not, reliable and hence the slightest whiff of “disappointment” is cataclysmic by comparison. So you get them loving the ‘bad boys’ through the hurts and love they do. “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige ft Drake shows just how much they hold on, despite their knowing how wrong it is.

Being “Nice, very nice” will inevitably put you in the friend zone – guess who they’ll run to when they are in the hurting phase of her relationship? Preemptive strike One!

 Make the lady’s folks (brothers, sisters even parents) like you

As you can tell, this is only possible if you are “Nice, very nice” and genuinely so. By genuine I mean actually having genuine concern about her well-being. Being in good terms with her folks all but guarantees that she’ll friend zone you. Going against the folks is a mark of independence so as much as she may like you, the fact that her folks like you, kind of forces her not to consider you. Preemptive strike Two!

Her boyfriend should be your friend too … so much he considers you “safe” to hang out with her. This is a hard one and is advisable that you don’t go making it happen. If it happens, flow with it. If not, leave it at that. Point is you being a comfortable enough friend to her that she can mention you to him and he doesn’t get worried. This is not only a preemptive strike but safety net for you – you don’t want to be stabbed.

 Always be there for her, check up on her dating… how she’s doing, they are doing… be a good listener. – “Always” is a big word but it only means whenever you can, you be there for her when she calls on you. Especially in her low moments. Hang out, movies, coffee and stuff doesn’t hurt. This is just being “Nice, very nice” in detail. She can’t consider, at least not usually, you as more than ‘just a friend’ when you do all this. Preemptive strike Four!

WARNING:

 1. As much as she wouldn’t go out with you, she won’t take you going out with another quite well. She may become hostile to your girlfriend but maybe she’ll like her. No way of predicting this – just prep for both the best and worst.

 2. Never ever say you like them IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. If she were a status update, don’t like it! Say you “don’t dislike” … something just not that you like her. That will take you from ‘friend zone’ to outcast … enemy territory even!

 NOTE:

 The more perceptive of you will have picked up that this is another way of outlining what NOT to do if you do NOT want to be ‘Friend zoned’. So, take it how you see fit for you. This is not an exhaustive list, just what the ‘experiences’ common to me.

 An excerpt from an upcoming book, “A Guy’s Guide To Life” by EveryGuy for Everyguy … available soon … in your mind! ha!

Utopia That Does Not Exist?

By littleGiniK

I was once talking a walk with two male colleagues going for lunch. The cafeteria happens to be quite some distance away from the office. I was carrying my handbag, the laptop and heavy books, while my colleagues had their hands in their pockets. At some point I stopped and asked them how they could possibly be walking by my side and not offer any help. One of them was quick to retort, “You are the ones fighting for gender equality, why should I help you?” We got into a long argument about gender equality. Suffice it to say that he did not offer his help, at least the other colleague offered to carry the laptop.

This incident came to my mind last week when there was heated argument on twitter about whether it was right for a woman to support a man, following the infamous story of a woman who was found dead in her apartment and who it is said had been involved with a well known former TV anchor.

This debate had me thinking a lot about gender equality. This expression can be quite misleading. I like to think that gender equality refers to equality of dignity and opportunity between men and women and especially equality to participate fully in public life, political, professional and social sphere. Let’s face it, men and women cannot be equal in their respective sexual nature, they are quite different. They are not equal but complementary. There should therefore be no question as to which of the sexes is superior. One is either a woman or man by birth. In each case that person will be superior who manages to develop the characteristic virtues of his or her own sex overcoming the defects which are considered peculiar to the same sex.

A man has always been expected to provide and protect, a woman to care for others. A man is expected to be strong, brave, sporty, a woman gentle, tender, feminine, modest. A man has more muscle, a woman more heart. There are things a man will do and get away with even though they may not be so good. If the same things were done by a woman, she will come off looking worse. A man is expected to provide and support his family and a woman to care and nurture hers. The constant bickering between the sexes has resulted in them seeing each other as opposition rather than complementarity. This has led as, Cormac Burke in his book “Man and Values” states, to a disruptive feminism or “masculinism” obsessed with a struggle for power which tends to reduce all aspects of men-women relationships to opposition.

It is not uncommon therefore to see men fight with women to get in or out of a bus, or a man being ‘kept’ by a woman. On the other hand, women have become so defensive that any affront from a man is believed by them to be a show of superiority of sex. There is no better demonstration of this than on our roads. It has also led to an uncomfortable situation where men refer to all women as ‘ladies’ because they’re afraid the word “woman’ may offend.

While it is commendable that feminist movements have endeavoured to correct the many abuses of preceding centuries, it must be noted that equality cannot be right down to every aspect that concerns men and women. The differences between the two sexes should complement, create a harmony, and not compete. Which man would appreciate a woman who had a moustache and hairy legs? And which woman would respect a man who does not show a certain strength, the capacity to face difficulties in a positive way, initiative especially of taking full responsibility of his family? A man can constantly find inspiration in what is feminine; a woman in what is masculine.

A world that does not encourage men to be more masculine and women to be more feminine is a poorer place for growing up in, for learning to be human . C. Burke.

* I attribute the title of this post to one of my followers.

Days of a Thief…

In a closed society where everybody’s guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity – Hunter S. Thompson

My name is The Greatrnk. If you have never heard of me, kindly check yourself in the nearest mental hospital. I know some of you have missed me, well, it is only natural. There are others who did not miss me. Well, as the saying goes, in every market place, there is a mad man, and I am not the one who came up with that saying. I have a one way ticket to hell for you who did not miss me. I am nice, I know. I give gifts to those who do not deserve them. Back to the important people: those who missed me. Guys, kindly help out in preparing for my welcome-back bash, as the pretty girls queue up for hugs  and the more pretty ones for kisses. In the meantime, let me tell you what you all do not want to hear. And can someone please manage that queue of those girls awaiting my hugs and kisses. And get that gay guy away from that queue.

While I had gone to visit my relatives back in Messier 31 (those who are using Google maps to find out where I am from had better stop. That is a planet in another galaxy, Andromeda, which is 2.5 million light years away from the milky way), several things happened. Now, come on, ladies and gentlemen, you did not think I was from this planet, did you? On that note, do Scientists know how stupid they sound when they tell us that light from stars which are 2.5 million years ago started travelling 2.5 million years ago. Really? Anyway, I have seen that blogging has changed a little bit since I went away, and the in-thing nowadays (especially with the up and coming bloggers some of whom will make it big or not) is to start by writing two paragraphs then in the third they start with the words “I digress.”

I digress to tell you this true story.

He bade farewell to his wife, not knowing he would not be seeing her again, unless they meet in hell if she decides to visit him if she made it to heaven. He was going for a teachers’ trip for the weekend. She missed him even before he left. He left all the same.

*

She was waiting for him. It did not matter to her that he was married. “Keep the certificate, I have the man,” she always wished she could tell his wife. She knew the wife loved him, but he loved her and not his wife. She was done preparing his favourite meal for dinner when he knocked on the door. She was going to spend the weekend with the man of her dreams, Kevin.

*

The plans were in place. They needed not go over them over and over again. They had one plan and it had worked the last four times. This time round, they were going to rob a bigger house. They had heard that the local residents had met a few weeks ago and made plans on how to arrest the insecurity menace. This, however, would not deter their mission.

*

Kevin was awoken by the shouts of “mwizi, mwizi!” His manly instincts, to impress a girl by pretending to protect her, sprang him into action. He could not heed to her advice to remain in the house, even though he was telling her the very same thing. He knew that she kept no known weapon, so he left with her kitchen knife.

*

This time, they were determined to get the thieves at whatever cost. The group comprised of middle aged men – heads of families making sure their homes are not next to be robbed – with all sorts of crude weapons. “I can see them,” someone whispered. “Where?” The others asked. No sooner had he answered, than they bumped into a man with a kitchen knife. “Here is one of them!” Kevin did not have time to explain himself. The twenty or so men rained blows and kicks on him. The crude weapons were well utilised. After all, no one in the group knew him, and only one other person in the neighbourhood knew him. How he wished she could defy his orders and come out. Atleast they knew her. She must have been thinking the thieves have been apprehended and Kevin is helping in teaching them a lesson.

*

Someone knocked at her house. They were looking for petrol or kerosene to burn one of the thieves that had been caught. Even though she did not want to open the door, she knew Kevin would not mind. She only had kerosene in a jerry can, so she gave it out. It must be safe to venture out, she thought to herself. In any case, Kevin was not to familiar with the place, and she had to go make sure he gets back home. She put on something warm and carried a jacket for him. She had to see the thief before he was burnt. She left the house in a hurry. She could see smoke in a distance. About a quarter a mile away, the thief of a forbidden fruit, her Kevin, was being cremated!

THE DAY’S QUOTES:

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice – Anonymous

Facebook does not ruin relationships, getting caught in your lies does.

Walabataji Express

First things first, definitions:

Walabataji- athletes: it is a combination kalenjin and swahili, broken down as follows

“wa” the Swahili prefix for first person plural
“labat” – run in kalenjin
“ji” – the Swahili suffix to indicate a doer of something, in this case a doer of the running (a runner)

Express after the famous Eldoret Express

We coined this word back in high school to refer to the student athletes who used to go for training daily, except on Sundays. They were our express mail, just like the postal services but unlike the Post office, we could get our replies either on the same day or the next day..

I studied in one secondary school, which we liked calling “High” just because we were the best performers in the district. Close to us was our brother school, a real high school, not like us. One thing that we had in common is the ability to produce the best athletes that make news in the dailies and the international media.

Half the girls in our school had boyfriends in the brother school and that’s when the use of the Walambataji Express started. I can’t exactly say how it started but one thing for sure, it picked up pretty fast until the teachers we wondering what were happening to our mails. The advantages of the Walambataji Express included

• It was free- there was no need for stamps
• It was reliable- You are sure that the letter got to the recipient
• You get the replies as soon as possible

What you needed to do is to ensure that you have given out the letter, usually called the missive to the athlete just before they depart for their morning run, at 6 am or a quarter to six or you should give it to them just in the evening at six or half past six.

It was an interesting way of communicating to and fro, because the athletes from our school would meet those from the brother school, since most of them were trained by the same coach.

I got to hear about this service in a funny way. One morning we collided with my bedmate as she was literarilly storming out of the room to hand out the missive, for her most recent crush. I asked her later when she told me about the Walambataji express. I said I would use it one day, but never did. I don’t know if those I left behind are using it or not, whichever way, it served us well.

The Unspoken Rules Of The ‘Kalocal’

Lately I have become a local fanatic and am starting to think I have outgrown the idea of organized rave…. if there is anything like it.  I totally love the idea that everyone knows each other at the kalocal and those that don’t can get introduced because they came with someone that knows the other person…… and the way the men show their love by the ever so fascinating shoulder bump. (The idea never seems to rub off on the ladies)

An old friend of mine once showed up at my local in the company of one of the usual ladies. We exchanged niceties and to save him the hustle of introducing the lady, I volunteered that I had met her before. She retorted in near disbelief vehemently denying that she had ever seen me and demanding to know how I knew her. At this juncture I almost mentioned that I had seen her on numerous occasions exchanging hands among the men owing to her seductive dance moves. Instead I chose to withdraw my previous comment and apologized saying I must have confused her for someone else. There really is no moral to that story but I realize that when you sit at the counter you observe a lot of things. My observations have led me to add five more rules to my unpublished rule book.

1. There is nothing wrong with the guy in bathroom sandals.

Indeed the word local is pretty relative. Picture this…The guy in sandals had probably decided that he won’t be going out and was indoors watching movies with his girlfriend until around 10pm when he runs out of smoke and needs to rush to the shop to restock. Unfortunately it is closed and he has to go to the shopping center. We all know that the music is usually hypnotizing and he decides to pass by and check if any of the boys is around. There are plenty of them and he is convinced to stay for a pint. Of course it does not end with a pint and so that is how he ends up in shorts and sandals in the pub with no track of time. Such species have become pretty common…. they haven’t made their way to Westy yet though. Makes me think dressing up for the rave is completely over rated.

2. Do not pick fights if you are not in your neighborhood.

The word local (once again) is pretty relative. If everyone would make rule number two their thumb rule then the era of bar brawls would be shadowed into oblivion. Some weirdo once made a derogative move towards me at my local and I wasn’t too happy so I told him off. I guess he was one of those people that make it a point to pass on their discontent after two beers because he did it again. I was boiling with rage but before I could act on my anger the guy had been thrown out and banned…..need I say more? Usually you cannot tell whether the person you are picking on buys the each of the bouncers a GK in turns and has therefore earned their unconditional favor. Tihihihihihi :D

3. Let the guests do the entertaining.

There is really no point of drawing attention to yourself if you frequent the local. If the barman and three other people know you then please keep off the microphone on karaoke night unless of course you can sing better then the karaoke host and the dance floor if you have taken more than five beers. They see enough of you when you are heading to the shops in sandals and that old coca cola t shirt so do not draw more attention to yourself….. and trust me no matter how suited up you are on Monday morning the guy that is staring at you awkwardly at the bus stop is doing so because he can still picture your sweaty self dancing to ‘’get down’’, toppling over and showing the crack of your butt to everyone who cares to look.

4. No intimacy.

Ladies please refer to the unspoken rule ‘’ Men are all the same” You both visit the local so chances are he might want to slap some arse. Keep them gawking…….it guarantees that your head will stay on top of your neck. The conversation at the local is as local as the customers. It will dwell on the new flat that is coming up, the hot lady that just moved in next door, the new barmaid, so and so’s new car and other local news. Trust me the fact that so and so chips fungad so and so may inevitably come up and am not sure anyone likes to be associated with such a topic except for the ever so malicious men that see it as an achievement. The moment you give it away you will no longer have a face at the local and this takes away the privilege of having a good time without worrying about where to get a cab home or drinking and driving.

P.S. Relationships are out of questions.

5. No hard feeling…..company is company.

Refer to rule no 4. If one time you have the privilege of sharing a table and I don’t do tables with the cute guy that sits next to the DJ do not lose your cool. He will, like any other man be trying to flirt with you (refer to the unspoken thumb rule)You will soon see him in the company of some beautiful young thing clinking glasses and staring into each other’s eyes. The green eyed monster will begin to show up and the only way to banish it will be to remind yourself that it was just company. So smile, wave and mind your business.

The list is still open so i may be adding more rules as i visit more locals…..that is why you should subscribe…………… Trust me you need my advice.

Copy and pass “The unspoken rules of the ‘kalocal’ ” around to your heart’s content, but always post my Copyright notice above, correctly, both as  courtesy and as a legal necessity to protect any writer. Thank you.

Find More Writings by Dyiembo here

Tears of a Girl

Today, I cried

I cried for all those times I wanted to cry but I could not


When I listened to that romantic song, when I watched that movie,

When I read her story,

When he finally found her, when she finally found him,

When you accused me unfairly,


When you told me ‘thank you’ for the first time ever,

When you said I was the most beautiful person you had ever met,

When you said I was your person,

When she called me in the middle of the night to tell me how he hurt her,

When her father died, when her daughter was born,


When he chose her instead of me,

When he stole my heart……..and when he broke my heart,


When you told me I was better and stronger than I thought,

When you believed in me,

When he held my hand even when I didn’t want him to but needed him to,

When you went away without saying goodbye, when you came back for me,


When you didn’t stand by me, when you ALONE stood by me,

When you remembered me after such a long time,

When you thought of me first,


When I didn’t even have a reason to


Today I cried…for me, and also for you

Because you wanted to but could not.


Find more writings by Pre7am’er here