Friend Zone – A Guys Guide To

What is a “Friend zone” (n)? This is the phrase (I have no idea who should get credit for coining it) that describes the point of the relationship between a male and a female that offers no progression beyond what is – ‘just friends!’ 

And so by extension and association, to “Friend zone” (v) is the act of putting one into this ‘box’ of ‘just friends!’ 

Friend zoning can be very frustrating and deflating, especially if the party being friend zoned was hopeful of ‘something more’. To the party ‘friend zoning’, I assume it easier to take in. I, however, doubt it’s just that easy.

This guide is from the male’s perspective so it may not be applicable for the females and is by no means definitive. All of the points mentioned here are all from experience – not just mine, but of many guys. You could view it as a preemptive approach to being ‘friend zoned’. Like they say, There are many ways to kill a rat – I subscribe to the method of making sure the rat is not born! 

So here goes – Friend zone – A Guy’s Guide To 

Be nice, be very nice

I could end this guide with just this one rule as all the others actually branch from this but I suppose I need to expound on it. 

You’ve heard it all before that ladies like nice guys, that’s always on their checklist. Truth is, they don’t like nice guys as partners … as husbands and best friends … Yes, just not boyfriends – this is a preserve of the ‘bad boy’. How they expect the bad boys to somehow end up being ‘nice guys’ once they are married is a mystery. Remember the line, “I can change him”? Well, we all know how that turns out.

 I have a theory on this, I think they prefer “bad boys” because ‘consistent disappointment is easier to handle than the occasional ones’ that nice guys come with, no matter how minute they maybe. Nice guys present them with a high standard that once they subscribe to, even a little tardiness will come off as a colossal disappointment. Nice guys are, more often than not, reliable and hence the slightest whiff of “disappointment” is cataclysmic by comparison. So you get them loving the ‘bad boys’ through the hurts and love they do. “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige ft Drake shows just how much they hold on, despite their knowing how wrong it is.

Being “Nice, very nice” will inevitably put you in the friend zone – guess who they’ll run to when they are in the hurting phase of her relationship? Preemptive strike One!

 Make the lady’s folks (brothers, sisters even parents) like you

As you can tell, this is only possible if you are “Nice, very nice” and genuinely so. By genuine I mean actually having genuine concern about her well-being. Being in good terms with her folks all but guarantees that she’ll friend zone you. Going against the folks is a mark of independence so as much as she may like you, the fact that her folks like you, kind of forces her not to consider you. Preemptive strike Two!

Her boyfriend should be your friend too … so much he considers you “safe” to hang out with her. This is a hard one and is advisable that you don’t go making it happen. If it happens, flow with it. If not, leave it at that. Point is you being a comfortable enough friend to her that she can mention you to him and he doesn’t get worried. This is not only a preemptive strike but safety net for you – you don’t want to be stabbed.

 Always be there for her, check up on her dating… how she’s doing, they are doing… be a good listener. – “Always” is a big word but it only means whenever you can, you be there for her when she calls on you. Especially in her low moments. Hang out, movies, coffee and stuff doesn’t hurt. This is just being “Nice, very nice” in detail. She can’t consider, at least not usually, you as more than ‘just a friend’ when you do all this. Preemptive strike Four!

WARNING:

 1. As much as she wouldn’t go out with you, she won’t take you going out with another quite well. She may become hostile to your girlfriend but maybe she’ll like her. No way of predicting this – just prep for both the best and worst.

 2. Never ever say you like them IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. If she were a status update, don’t like it! Say you “don’t dislike” … something just not that you like her. That will take you from ‘friend zone’ to outcast … enemy territory even!

 NOTE:

 The more perceptive of you will have picked up that this is another way of outlining what NOT to do if you do NOT want to be ‘Friend zoned’. So, take it how you see fit for you. This is not an exhaustive list, just what the ‘experiences’ common to me.

 An excerpt from an upcoming book, “A Guy’s Guide To Life” by EveryGuy for Everyguy … available soon … in your mind! ha!

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Matatu Etiquete by Alffie

Most Kenyans have or have had many encounters with this iconic Kenyan means of transport. But like many things, they are prone to abuse & disturbing trends. The matatu operators-some not all-are incorrigible so I won’t talk of them. My focus is the passengers. This is addressed to most of us I suppose.. If you see yourself here…let me put it this way; someone is watching & not liking the view.

Do not play music on your phone (China or otherwise) on loudspeaker! We board matatus with no music for just that reason: no music = quiet! It’s not rocket science. Take the hint!

Receiving phone calls is inevitable but you can control what conversations to have where. CCK categorizes phone calls as private conversation, so please don’t torture others with your endless & LOUD calls! No one wants to know how many chicken you have at home or that you take hot showers in the evenings!!

A prelude to an annoying call is, more often than not, a just as annoying ring-tone! Worse still you let it ring for so long like you want everyone to hear it! The vibrate feature on your phone is a feature to be used.. it wasn’t just a marketing pitch!! On the off-chance that your phone doesn’t vibrate or may have valid reasons not to use it, please don’t let it ring more than 3 times or beyond the count of 10! As a side note: An “I’m a Barbie girl” ring-tone?! You are a grown man, what do you want us to think? That you are a … or a … A ring-tone says a lot about u! So choose your ring tone wisely!

Someone else’s phone is their own property and by extension, their own business so DO NOT SNOOP to find out what they are browsing or texting or posting or tweeting! I never say this but GET A LIFE!!

Worse than playing loud music from your phone is singing! Why would we want you to sing? Unless you are Mary J Blige, Cece Winans, Chrisette Michelle, Lauryn Hill, Dela, Atemi, Nanjira or the like.. PLEASE DO NOT SING…ANYTHING in a matatu!! We don’t want to hear you KILL music. Men…don’t even think about trying to sing!

When you sneeze in a matatu, please cover your mouth and open the window. After H1N1 and the likes of TB, we’d like to still be healthy when we get home. Always carry a handkerchief – a dozen costs only 200!!

You know those seat belts you see inside? They are not for aesthetic value. They are actually for your safety so use them! (Plus it’s the law to use them!) Don’t go shouting at the driver every time he hits a bump and you don’t have your seatbelt on!! *This depends on how well fitted they are so choose your matatus wisely too!

The matatu driver is doing his job.. he didn’t come to your office to tell you how to do your job so stop giving him directions as to the best & presumably shorter short cuts you think he should use!!

Do not disturb..*now in caps* DO NOT DISTURB a passenger with earphones (or headphones) with your uncanny ability to talk about the mundane details of politics, weather & of course..the road construction. They are listening to music or maybe even audio books so that they don’t chit-chat with you or people like you! So please, get your own music box or just fall back!!

You don’t have to see everything along the road you are using so stop craning your head every time the matatu stops like you want to save the day. Newsflash! That pilsner Ad on TV is just an Ad! You can’t help clear a jam like that! Plus, you use that route almost daily, what new thing can crop up along the road in 8-10hrs (time within which you are at work)..in Kenya?!!

Ask the fare cost before you board. Causing drama and throwing tantrums when the *kange gets to you when everyone else has paid the default amount doesn’t make you Rosa Parks-you are not fighting anyone’s right other than your own right…to look stupid!

The *kange is not in the least bit psychic or telepathic to know where you are to alight so inform him when you are about to reach your destination instead of sitting back and going into fits of vain rage when you are clearly to blame when the matatu doesn’t stop at your stop. Your outbursts just make you look psychotic & telepathic*

Removing your shoes, picking your nose, teeth plus all the other “Ushenzi” behavior should be a common sense thing not to be done in a matatu (among many other places).

If you like to sleep in a matatu and you can’t keep from leaning on your neighbour & even drool, get yourself a neck-brace! That should keep your head upright! Or just don’t sleep!!

Your cologne or perfume should be just enough! The point is to make sure your natural odor (read ‘sweat’) is kept at bay not to suffocate people so that they don’t get to smell your odor! Subtlety is the key in choosing the cologne/perfume for you. The other extreme is just as bad if not worse!

Learn to keep your cool, understand what a quarrel between a passenger & kange is about before you publicly display your ignorance because contrary to popular belief the customer can be wrong & often times is irrational!

So you know you are supposed to pay fare so why do you wait to be asked & give the kange a puzzled look like he’s bothering u? You didn’t think it was free did you?!!

So you board a matatu with a friend or 2.. your escapades are your own so keep your chatting A.L.A.P – As Low As Possible! Other passengers are not really interested to know!

*kange – Derived from ‘Makanga’ a variation of ‘Manamba’ which is equal to ‘conductor’ or ‘tout’ which points to the person in the matatu responsible for collecting fare from passengers, signaling the driver to stop the bus for passengers to alight & sometimes act as a co-driver.

Disclaimer: These are just what I’ve seen & experienced. I’m sure there are many many more.

 

Find More Writings by Alffie here