Days of a Thief…

In a closed society where everybody’s guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity – Hunter S. Thompson

My name is The Greatrnk. If you have never heard of me, kindly check yourself in the nearest mental hospital. I know some of you have missed me, well, it is only natural. There are others who did not miss me. Well, as the saying goes, in every market place, there is a mad man, and I am not the one who came up with that saying. I have a one way ticket to hell for you who did not miss me. I am nice, I know. I give gifts to those who do not deserve them. Back to the important people: those who missed me. Guys, kindly help out in preparing for my welcome-back bash, as the pretty girls queue up for hugs  and the more pretty ones for kisses. In the meantime, let me tell you what you all do not want to hear. And can someone please manage that queue of those girls awaiting my hugs and kisses. And get that gay guy away from that queue.

While I had gone to visit my relatives back in Messier 31 (those who are using Google maps to find out where I am from had better stop. That is a planet in another galaxy, Andromeda, which is 2.5 million light years away from the milky way), several things happened. Now, come on, ladies and gentlemen, you did not think I was from this planet, did you? On that note, do Scientists know how stupid they sound when they tell us that light from stars which are 2.5 million years ago started travelling 2.5 million years ago. Really? Anyway, I have seen that blogging has changed a little bit since I went away, and the in-thing nowadays (especially with the up and coming bloggers some of whom will make it big or not) is to start by writing two paragraphs then in the third they start with the words “I digress.”

I digress to tell you this true story.

He bade farewell to his wife, not knowing he would not be seeing her again, unless they meet in hell if she decides to visit him if she made it to heaven. He was going for a teachers’ trip for the weekend. She missed him even before he left. He left all the same.


She was waiting for him. It did not matter to her that he was married. “Keep the certificate, I have the man,” she always wished she could tell his wife. She knew the wife loved him, but he loved her and not his wife. She was done preparing his favourite meal for dinner when he knocked on the door. She was going to spend the weekend with the man of her dreams, Kevin.


The plans were in place. They needed not go over them over and over again. They had one plan and it had worked the last four times. This time round, they were going to rob a bigger house. They had heard that the local residents had met a few weeks ago and made plans on how to arrest the insecurity menace. This, however, would not deter their mission.


Kevin was awoken by the shouts of “mwizi, mwizi!” His manly instincts, to impress a girl by pretending to protect her, sprang him into action. He could not heed to her advice to remain in the house, even though he was telling her the very same thing. He knew that she kept no known weapon, so he left with her kitchen knife.


This time, they were determined to get the thieves at whatever cost. The group comprised of middle aged men – heads of families making sure their homes are not next to be robbed – with all sorts of crude weapons. “I can see them,” someone whispered. “Where?” The others asked. No sooner had he answered, than they bumped into a man with a kitchen knife. “Here is one of them!” Kevin did not have time to explain himself. The twenty or so men rained blows and kicks on him. The crude weapons were well utilised. After all, no one in the group knew him, and only one other person in the neighbourhood knew him. How he wished she could defy his orders and come out. Atleast they knew her. She must have been thinking the thieves have been apprehended and Kevin is helping in teaching them a lesson.


Someone knocked at her house. They were looking for petrol or kerosene to burn one of the thieves that had been caught. Even though she did not want to open the door, she knew Kevin would not mind. She only had kerosene in a jerry can, so she gave it out. It must be safe to venture out, she thought to herself. In any case, Kevin was not to familiar with the place, and she had to go make sure he gets back home. She put on something warm and carried a jacket for him. She had to see the thief before he was burnt. She left the house in a hurry. She could see smoke in a distance. About a quarter a mile away, the thief of a forbidden fruit, her Kevin, was being cremated!


Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice – Anonymous

Facebook does not ruin relationships, getting caught in your lies does.