The Oterosexual Manual


Growing up, several things were ends that were given; A boy grows up to be a man. “Boys will be boys” meant just that! Now you can’t even say that without giving exceptions!!

Somehow somewhere, things changed and now a boy can grow up to be one of several options: the Trans i.e. a woman, the un-straight, the bi, the Metro-sexual movement (check this post by Chiira ) a trend that, in Kenya at least, seemed to blow up in 2010, and there is, of course, the traditional man (which is the focus of this post).

I’m not sure where all this is headed but clearly one has to belong in one or the other, scary as it may sound.

A good friend of mine, Michelle , coined the term Oterosexual to describe the man who is & works hard not to be remotely confused for the other categories. It was, thus only logical to use this name to refer to the “Traditional man” for this article.

Walking along the streets, I can’t help wonder what some really intend to imply by their demeanor. Grown men make me turn, not out of admiration but amazement & wonder and sometimes just fright & horror!!

Below is basic manual for the Oterosexual man.

  • No skinny jeans. I don’t quote him much or ever but Jay-Z once said; (Paraphrase) “if you wear the same pant size as your wife then who’s really wearing the pants in your house!” Unless you are putting on biking, swimming pants, or you are Michael J. Jackson (which you obviously are not!) tight-fitting pants don’t really make Otero-sense! Fit into your clothes don’t let your clothes fit into you.
  • The hairdo… Mohawk is a no go zone! Sure you look hip, Goth and the in-thing but you also look like a cuckoo bird! And this fake dreads made of knitting thread (not sure) just looks bad across the board! A fade, Afro, corn-rows (sometimes) or even well maintained dreadlocks will do just fine. Leave the hair-glo to Drogba!
  • A man purse! Seriously?! This won’t even be discussed!
  • Little, very little to no pink! Keep your being colorful to a minimum; it’s the ladies, who are referred to as ‘flowers’ because they attract with their beauty! Basic test; if a lady tells you, “You look cute”, change how you dress! If she doesn’t particularly like it …., good! Keep it up. Think about it, a lady likes something that they relate to i.e. dressed like them!!
  • I understand many guys iron their socks, t-shirts and even jeans. I personally don’t. I believe casual means no strings attached, in this case, no crease un-creased. A little history on the origin of jeans: When the American workers were getting uncomfortable with leather pants (especially the cowboys as the story goes), a dry goods merchant by the name Levi Strauss & his tailor friend, who became his business partner, came up with what we now know as jeans that was from then on embraced as working wear. I doubt ironing was part of the whole idea! That’s just me!
  • Another “just me” issue is the shoes. The colors of shoes do not go outside the basic shoe colour scheme of Black, White and brown! All these greens, yellows, purples as shoe colors coupled with matching t-shirts, skinny jeans, maybe add the Mohawk & glasses – that a lot similar to the 3D glasses – just make guys look like some marvel comic super hero!
  • Manicure, pedicure, facials, mascara, nail polish are not to for you! Full stop. Massage is acceptable, depending on whom the masseuse is. Makeup gets a nod only when it’s a job thing, going on TV or the like otherwise NO! Why make yourself pretty? Be rugged & by this I don’t mean dirty & not presentable; I mean manly.
  • An artist (musical artist), actors, footballer (in the pitch) or a clown; these are the groups that are allowed to dress in anything no matter how impractical it looks.
  • All those fashionista shows, the likes of America’s Next top model, Project Runway etc that recommend hideous clothing as fashion are not for you. You DO NOT follow fashion, to borrow from the greatest of them all – Makmende – Fashion follows you! You have style that is unfazed by time or passing fads and crazes!
  • Have at least one sport you ‘religiously’ follow. Know the stats (basic or otherwise), buy a team jersey, flag or even key holder or something i.e. be loyal to a team; sometimes even irrationally support that team. Be willing to die for the team. NOTE: Be willing to but DO NOT die for the team. If it gets to that point of dying for a team, it’s ok to run – like a scared little girl if you have to!!
  • You don’t get hooked on senseless Reality TV shows! TV series like soaps, Glee, Gossip Girls and the like should not even matter to you.
  • Have at least one lady TV host/personality with whom, to you, any show is 5 star rated! For many it was Esther Arunga before she was ‘fingered’ out of the equation! Currently, for me, it’s Teroo & Isha Sesay. Enough said.
  • Never concede that another guy looks handsome… wait! How do you even get to gauge that another guy is handsome?! On second thought, don’t answer! I don’t want to know!!
  • That “Get in touch with your feminine side” Oprah & Tyra stuff, forget it! You have no feminine side! The only feminine side you may have is your wife or spouse or sister or mother!
  • Justin Bieber, & boy bands are taboo – ok, some like Boys 2 men & greats like the Commodores, Earth, Wind & Fire (if you can call them boy bands) get a free pass. No explanations and/or reasons needed here!

To be continued… on the comments posts!

 

 

Help Needed

Caroline Ngina was somewhere last week and was touched by what she saw. I quote her from now henceforth:

“I was at The ‘Nyumba ya wazee’, the one run by the Municipal Council of Mombasa in makande (not the one at Tudor). The 50 or so old men and women desperately need your help as all their needs cannot be catered for by the inadequate council funds….
I am urging and begging each of you to please please help out these old people.

The home needs

  • *Underwear for both men and women
  • *A Dressing tray with instruments
  • * Bed Linen and Pillows
  • * Socks
  • *Bathroom Slippers
  • *Other essentials such as foodstuffs, soap, toothpaste, milk, clothing etc

This looks like much but it is not, if we all pledge something small. Everything there is very essential but cannot be procured by the authorities. Most of these things can be found from your own homes (linen, pillows. slippers, socks)
the rest, has to be bought. I kindly ask that you help these Old Men and Women in whatever way. If you also know any organisation that can assist, kindly let them know so that they can help.”

Please contact CAROLINE NGINA on 0721785260 for more details on how you can assist.

The Unspoken Rules Of The ‘Kalocal’

Lately I have become a local fanatic and am starting to think I have outgrown the idea of organized rave…. if there is anything like it.  I totally love the idea that everyone knows each other at the kalocal and those that don’t can get introduced because they came with someone that knows the other person…… and the way the men show their love by the ever so fascinating shoulder bump. (The idea never seems to rub off on the ladies)

An old friend of mine once showed up at my local in the company of one of the usual ladies. We exchanged niceties and to save him the hustle of introducing the lady, I volunteered that I had met her before. She retorted in near disbelief vehemently denying that she had ever seen me and demanding to know how I knew her. At this juncture I almost mentioned that I had seen her on numerous occasions exchanging hands among the men owing to her seductive dance moves. Instead I chose to withdraw my previous comment and apologized saying I must have confused her for someone else. There really is no moral to that story but I realize that when you sit at the counter you observe a lot of things. My observations have led me to add five more rules to my unpublished rule book.

1. There is nothing wrong with the guy in bathroom sandals.

Indeed the word local is pretty relative. Picture this…The guy in sandals had probably decided that he won’t be going out and was indoors watching movies with his girlfriend until around 10pm when he runs out of smoke and needs to rush to the shop to restock. Unfortunately it is closed and he has to go to the shopping center. We all know that the music is usually hypnotizing and he decides to pass by and check if any of the boys is around. There are plenty of them and he is convinced to stay for a pint. Of course it does not end with a pint and so that is how he ends up in shorts and sandals in the pub with no track of time. Such species have become pretty common…. they haven’t made their way to Westy yet though. Makes me think dressing up for the rave is completely over rated.

2. Do not pick fights if you are not in your neighborhood.

The word local (once again) is pretty relative. If everyone would make rule number two their thumb rule then the era of bar brawls would be shadowed into oblivion. Some weirdo once made a derogative move towards me at my local and I wasn’t too happy so I told him off. I guess he was one of those people that make it a point to pass on their discontent after two beers because he did it again. I was boiling with rage but before I could act on my anger the guy had been thrown out and banned…..need I say more? Usually you cannot tell whether the person you are picking on buys the each of the bouncers a GK in turns and has therefore earned their unconditional favor. Tihihihihihi :D

3. Let the guests do the entertaining.

There is really no point of drawing attention to yourself if you frequent the local. If the barman and three other people know you then please keep off the microphone on karaoke night unless of course you can sing better then the karaoke host and the dance floor if you have taken more than five beers. They see enough of you when you are heading to the shops in sandals and that old coca cola t shirt so do not draw more attention to yourself….. and trust me no matter how suited up you are on Monday morning the guy that is staring at you awkwardly at the bus stop is doing so because he can still picture your sweaty self dancing to ‘’get down’’, toppling over and showing the crack of your butt to everyone who cares to look.

4. No intimacy.

Ladies please refer to the unspoken rule ‘’ Men are all the same” You both visit the local so chances are he might want to slap some arse. Keep them gawking…….it guarantees that your head will stay on top of your neck. The conversation at the local is as local as the customers. It will dwell on the new flat that is coming up, the hot lady that just moved in next door, the new barmaid, so and so’s new car and other local news. Trust me the fact that so and so chips fungad so and so may inevitably come up and am not sure anyone likes to be associated with such a topic except for the ever so malicious men that see it as an achievement. The moment you give it away you will no longer have a face at the local and this takes away the privilege of having a good time without worrying about where to get a cab home or drinking and driving.

P.S. Relationships are out of questions.

5. No hard feeling…..company is company.

Refer to rule no 4. If one time you have the privilege of sharing a table and I don’t do tables with the cute guy that sits next to the DJ do not lose your cool. He will, like any other man be trying to flirt with you (refer to the unspoken thumb rule)You will soon see him in the company of some beautiful young thing clinking glasses and staring into each other’s eyes. The green eyed monster will begin to show up and the only way to banish it will be to remind yourself that it was just company. So smile, wave and mind your business.

The list is still open so i may be adding more rules as i visit more locals…..that is why you should subscribe…………… Trust me you need my advice.

Copy and pass “The unspoken rules of the ‘kalocal’ ” around to your heart’s content, but always post my Copyright notice above, correctly, both as  courtesy and as a legal necessity to protect any writer. Thank you.

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